The Mind Guide

Anger is often described as a ‘secondary emotion’ i.e. it is accompanied by more or other emotions, namely sadness and/or hurt. Anger is also a highly accessible emotion. That means it’s available and easy to get too rather than go to the true emotion beneath it. It is easier to get angry and ‘lash out’ than admit ‘I’m really hurt by what you said/did’. 

When we feel envious of someone, it is easier to blame and criticize them in an angry way, rather than admit that we are jealous. It’s a bit like always running to our local convenience store to get the bare essentials, it’s quick and easy but we really know we should go to the supermarket to get everything we need!

As an adolescent therapist, I see this tendency to ‘lash out’,almost every other day.  I often use the analogy of the iceberg, upon which the tip is anger but beneath it lie an array of feelings ranging from sadness and embarrassment to shame and fear.

Anger is an easily accessible emotion. The task in addressing anger is understanding and accessing the other emotions beneath it  and consequently  learning to become less angry less often. 

Another key point about anger is that it can be addictive. Because it’s so accessible, people will react with anger first. It then becomes a habitual behavioral response i.e. they do it over and over again. Anger also drives us towards the object of our arousal unlike shame, sadness or anxiety, so there’s a reward system linked to getting angry.

So, the question is, how can I help myself or someone I know manage their anger? Here are some tips below.

1.  Identify your triggers

Knowing what exacerbates your anger is a really useful and practical step. Things to check here are: 

• Am I getting enough sleep every night?
• Am I eating the right food for my body?
• Am I drinking too much alcohol?
• Do I have a physical ailment that is making life hard for me right now?
• How are my stress levels right now?
• How is my self care these days?

Certain people can also trigger us into anger. They may remind us of someone from our past that triggers some ‘beneath the iceberg feelings’. Anger can act as a defence here, but it might be useful to avoid this person where possible, until you feel you can regulate your emotional response.

2. De-escalation 

When we become emotionally flooded, the thinking brain becomes hijacked. A very simple yet effective way to counteract this is to take a deep breath in for a count of 7 and exhale for a count of 11. Focus on the exhale and back this up with the statement ‘I am becoming calmer’ in between counts.

3. Thoughts are not fact

The thoughts that inform your anger are only thoughts and not fact. Take a minute to remind yourself of this.

4. Create a Distance 

Creating a distance between you and your trigger points is a useful step. You can do this physically (by walking away) or by practising a de-escalation technique such as the one detailed in point number two above.

5. Respond and don’t React

You can respond calmly via the following

• Tone of voice – be firm, clear but don’t shout.
• Body Language – Practice a strong and grounded posture. Not an overbearing and intimidating stance. You can practice this in the mirror or ask someone close to you for feedback on this.
• Be clear about what you are trying to communicate. I mention more specific details about this below. I call it…

6. Be Expressive not Aggressive

How do we effectively express ourselves? It’s important that you’re clear on what you need to communicate. I often ask myself, ‘What do I need this person to know here? What do I need to  communicate to this person?’ 

• Communicate clearly and succinctly 
• Be firm, but polite
• Articulate accurately what you’re trying to say 

A useful way to structure this is to follow the steps below.

Take Ownership and don’t blame: Use words like ‘I’ (ownership) and not ‘You are’ (blame) 

Explain impact – Example  ‘it delays proceedings and we fail to finish on time’. 

Make a request – Do you think you could make it on time for the next meeting?  

Here’s an example:

Your colleague is always late to meetings which has an impact on the whole team.

An angry ‘Lash Out’ response would be: 

“You’re always late for meetings. You’re selfish and inconsiderate. The whole team is annoyed with you. Don’t bother coming from now on!”

A calm, structured response would be:

We struggle as a team when you’re late. It delays things and we don’t get to finish on time. What would make it possible for you to get here on time for the next meeting?’ 

How you communicate is as important as what you are communicating. 

Being calm, confident and considerate is the perfect antidote to anger.

And practicing is the best way to get there!

If you would like to learn more about assertive communication, Dr Julie Hanks has a lot of information on her website and a very useful book on the subject. As always, if you feel you cannot manage your anger on your own, then I suggest researching some therapists and/or support groups in your area. 

Why?

As humans we require the capacity for self-preservation. Simply put, we have an innate need to protect ourselves from harm. Harm can present itself in many ways. The ‘harm’, I refer to here can be a variety of painful emotions such as sadness, grief, anger and anxiety.

Painful emotions are triggered by a difficult event such as being bullied, the loss of a loved one, loss of a relationship etc. and can often remain with us from childhood.  Experiences like this are emotionally discombobulating! Consequently, an implicit set of skills is developed so as to prevent any potential emotional discomfort of this nature. Unfortunately, we can’t avoid these painful feelings. Instead we develop coping strategies and deference mechanisms to do so.

This is usually effective in the short term, but when it inhibits us from processing our ‘real or true’ feelings, it can become problematic.

How?

Humour is a very common form of defense particularly in Ireland! We love nothing more than making fun of ourselves before other people can do it to us. It’s classic deflective behaviour (see below for explanation). 

Other forms of defences and/or coping styles include:

• Avoidance – Procrastination and staying ‘on the go’ so as not to feel emotional discomfort.
• Denial  – Not allowing emotions to become admissible into our awareness ‘This is not happening’. This is a very popular coping style!
• Distortion – Building a different narrative around our experience so as to make it less painful. for example, ‘I’m so angry with X’ when we truly feel hurt.
• Regression – behaving in a childlike manner or reverting to an old, redundant coping styles.
• Deflection – pushing the blame away or blaming someone else.
• Dissociation – pretending we are somewhere else entirely or daydreaming. For example,imagining ourselves on an exotic beach when someone is getting angry at us and pretending we are listening when we’re really thinking about what cocktail we’d order!

When (is it helpful)? 

Having effective defenses can be really helpful when we are going through a hard time, for example, a loss of a family member or relationship. It can serve a function here to enable us to survive until we can enjoy life again. I’m sure you can relate to many of the examples above. I know I certainly can.

It is only when these behaviors inhibit us from processing our true emotions or our intentions, that  it can become problematic.

And when is it not?

Our defenses are designed to be transient i.e. they protect us when we need protecting, for a certain length of time. This can be short-term, such as during a conversation we might use humour to deviate from our own embarrassment. Or we may avoid something that we’ve been procrastinating on because we know it will make us feel stressed.

It is when our coping or defensive style becomes long-term and we procrastinate in general that it becomes problematic.

Avoidance is a classic example of this. It is usually informed by fear. An example of this would be not going for a job interview as it will make you very nervous but you also know it will benefit you long- term. Or knowing ‘deep down’ that you’re in an unhappy relationship but you won’t end it. That’s long-term denial and eventually what you are fearing and consequently avoiding, will occur.

Defences can also be layered. We might have all of the defences above available to us at any given time. Sometimes they may all be active simultaneously.

How do I know if I am in denial mode?

It may be that you notice yourself feeling sporadic bouts of anxiousness or low mood. It may be that you lack clarity in certain areas of your life or you feel unclear about a next step to take. It may be that someone you know and trust expresses concern for you.

In her book, an author called Hilary Jacobs Hendel, discusses the link between what she describes as core emotions, inhibitory emotions and our defences. Core emotions are hard wired into our brain and inform us about our environment. They include sadness, fear, anger, joy, excitement, sexual excitement and disgust. She describes inhibitory emotions as those which block our core emotions as a means of protection. She suggests that our defences enable us to avoid core and inhibitory emotions. If you would like more in depth understanding of defences, I suggest reading her book which has some useful information on emotions and defences.

Is there a healthier way to use defence mechanisms?

In short, yes. If you’re in ostrich mode, i.e. burying your head in the sand it’s likely informed by fear. Allowing yourself to tolerate the fear and the consequent feelings you’ve been avoiding is the end goal. The first step forwards is allowing yourself to process the feelings you’re defending against. This can seem very scary, but there are things that can help such as therapy.

The next step would be to consider what narrative you’ve created around this way of coping. For example ‘I can’t do that job interview, because I’m too nervous’ will link back to link back to a core feeling of ‘I’m unworthy and don’t deserve success and I would be awful at that job anyway’.

An important thing to remember here is that we all require a healthy level of denial and at times that is highly appropriate. It is only when it becomes excessive or prolonged that we need to address it as it can lead to more serious implications. If you relate to ‘being in ostrich mode’ then why not look into finding a therapist and begin to address your fear? It’s never too late!